07 May 2015


From Wikipedia: The Oxford Concise Dictionary of the Christian Church 
defines acedia (or accidie) as "a state of restlessness and inability 
either to work or to pray". Some see it as the 
precursor to sloth—one of the seven deadly sins.

With the new year came a deep sluggishness in my being.  I was just out of all of my "want-to".  My normal activities and habits weren't happening.  Sometimes it felt like nothing was happening.  All I truly wanted was to lay on the couch and check out.  But that wasn't an option most days.  There was laundry and dishes and groceries and volunteer work that needed finished.  Although I was able to function (which is a strong distinction between acedia and depression in my opinion) my heart was far removed.  

When I came across acedia in April, it's use, history, and definition illuminated my struggle. I am a highly self-motivated person, and achiever, and a do-it-myself kind of gal.  This detachment had me both concerned and asking why.  I tried to embrace it and just let the pieces sit where they wanted.  But at the end of each day I would lay in bed and tally all of the "should haves" and "ought tos" from my day.  Although I tried to embrace the relaxed lifestyle it is not for me and left me with guilt, frustration, and lacking. 

Near the end of March I figured I had tried the "embrace" theory long enough.  I decided that I needed to just start.  Start something.  Start doing the things I loved even if I didn't "feel" like it.  "Pick up a book, anything, and just read!" I would tell myself.  (Well ... maybe it was more of a demand, but I am totally ok with that.)  I made myself unpack the camera and go somewhere and use it.  I forced myself to go outside and just walk.  I have been prodding myself to write again.  Next on my force-list is sewing a project.  Start.  Just start being you.

I can't say that making myself is eliminating the acedia.  But what I can say is that making myself is awakening and reattaching me to my inner self again.  It is helping restart much that was shut down.  Much is coming alive again.  I feel that the coinciding with spring is somewhat divine.  

02 May 2015

Panic Attacks

Wikipedia: "Panic attacks are periods of intense 
fear or apprehension of sudden onset..."

"A Beautiful Disaster" / Marlena Graves / chapter seven / page 96
"There is almost nothing as terrible as this feeling, 
this sensation of being helpless, panicked,
 and alone without God and without hope in the world."

After reading this paragraph from Mrs. Graves book, I had to stop and put the book down and process.  I have never heard of this disorder applied to the spirit.  Is this possible?  Is this a true thing? Is she over reaching her descriptions?

The longer I have sat with this idea the more I noticed my own heart does have a tendency toward panaic + fear + alone + helpless.  Since relocating a year and a half ago, there have been days that were debilitating.  I considered it my "funk" and hoped it would pass.  The wild emotions and the forgetting orf truth would lift as quick as it set in.  I woud again see clearly.  The fear would disapate. The weight and worry would dissolve.  And thankfully my husband waits patiently with me during these long days.  

Since these have begun (READ: moving across country), I have wrestled with why?  Why does this happen?  Is it only me?  Is there something that needs medicated?  How can I see it coming and run away?  Can I actually avoid it?  Can I shorten it's duration?  So many unanswered questions.  And no game plan to combat it either.  Other than prayer, very little has been helpful in clearing the fog and bringing me out of the pit.  

And then I read this chapter and heard her word of idenification.  Her chapter gave my "funk" a name.  It gave it a shape.  It defined the condition of my heart and thus pointed me toward an escape route and hopefully a detour to avoid this pit.  

Now I can pray speciaifcally about peace.  I can meditate on the truth that God is with me and never leaves.  I know that if another one comes, that prayer is the best/only option.  And I know that they will not last forever but will end.  ( I am grateful that they are fewer and further apart than when we first moved.)  My next learning area is to see what my triggers are.  

In the meantime I am so glad to have a grasp on this struggle.  I find understanding helps me reduce the crazy.... well maye only just a little :)