24 September 2014


I was in the closet last week trying to get dressed for bible study.  Translation: I wanted to look cute but comfy.  Unfortunately, I have a hurt heel and can only wear sneakers or hiking sandals.  Otherwise I choose to walk all day in pain.  I finally settled that I could wear my cute-ish black flats, IF I first ran to the Mart of Wal to get a shoe insert.  Once the shoe choice was complete I was now free to dress myself accordingly.

That is when I faced another, slightly deeper, challenge.  Clothes.  Having some unexpected weight gain this summer, currently 80% of my clothes are tight.  I am in a season where I feel chubby most days.  Although I've never been "skinny" but, I typically possess less of myself.  Naturally, having "nothing to wear" I began to do what any mature woman would do.  I threw a fit.

Why this morning?... Why can't I seem to make jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt cute?.... Why can't I loose weight faster?.... Why can't I have more money to buy cute shoes with arch support?... On and on I dramatically went until this gem came stumbling out of my mouth... Why can't I just have one decent outfit that will hide me?

Whoa? What?  Apparently I want to hide and not face the truth.  Two thoughts immediately  emerged from this complaint: 1.The self-insights from my closet are amazingly deeper than I expected and 2.Accepting truth is hard.

It seems as though I don't want to see truth.  I want to dismiss it.  Walk away like it isn't standing naked in my closet (and having a fit).  But if I choose to walk away from truth, then it appears my only option left is to believe lies.  Since truth is black and white, if you're avoiding, dismissing, running, or hiding from truth, then you're keeping company with lies.  

I don't want lies.  But neither do I want truth. 
I don't think I get to invent a middle option.
So I am left with a choice.

It takes boldness and courage and humility to believe and accept truth.  It isn't easy and it can be downright ugly at times.  Occasionally there may even include some throwing of fits.  But I believe that accepting truth will work better in the long run than compromising with lies.  I believe lies will steer you wrong 100% of the time.  But truth.... well truth can set you free.  And that is a much better gift than cute clothes.

16 September 2014

Recovery Mode

Post the "Unwanted News" I find I am in recovery mode.  Dealing with fallout, processing this new reality, grieving the loss of a dream, and accepting this new (unwanted) season of winter.

How to recover from a storm?

I tend to manage the physical aspects (if any) first, and then work on my heart.  This time around I am learning that I am a lousy manager for myself.  I don't take care of myself well because I'm impatient.  I want my body to mirror someone else's life.  I want my emotions to move in fast forward.

I want it all to be gone.  The experiences, the pain, and the loss to all melt into the past and be forgotten.  I don't want the slow process of working through sadness on a daily basis.  No one WANTS that.  Slow processing feels slightly akin to torture.  Emotionally you are regurgitating your grief hour by hour.  Mentally you are running out of stamina for the journey.  You are worn down physically as well.  Spiritually you are out of fresh perspectives that make reliving the pain worth it.  

All you have is a pile of ashes and not one iota of an idea of what to do with this mess.  Everything, inside and out, just sits there like dammed up water.  Both held in place slowly leaking out (often at random and inconvenient times).

No one wants this, but this is the journey of sorrow.  This is the suffering, pain, grief, hurts that we humans all carry.  Sometimes acute, other times cold, typically calloused over until they are numb.  We all carry pain and we all walk through times of deep sorrow.  

I believe that it is important on this journey to remember that I, you, and y'all are not alone.

You may FEEL alone.  You may LOOK alone.  You may even THINK you're alone.  But you aren't.  This is what I tell myself often: "you are not the first person in history to experience this pain"  Doesn't really help my heart, but it does put my struggles into a better perspective.  I am not alone in this world, and also that I am never alone in Christ.

HE IS WITH ME.  Every step of this season of recovery is marked with His footsteps and mine.  With every step I take, God is beside, behind, in front of, beneath, and above me.  He constantly surrounds me with His mercy and grace.  And those are things I need desperately while in recovery mode.