16 September 2014

Recovery Mode

Post the "Unwanted News" I find I am in recovery mode.  Dealing with fallout, processing this new reality, grieving the loss of a dream, and accepting this new (unwanted) season of winter.

How to recover from a storm?

I tend to manage the physical aspects (if any) first, and then work on my heart.  This time around I am learning that I am a lousy manager for myself.  I don't take care of myself well because I'm impatient.  I want my body to mirror someone else's life.  I want my emotions to move in fast forward.

I want it all to be gone.  The experiences, the pain, and the loss to all melt into the past and be forgotten.  I don't want the slow process of working through sadness on a daily basis.  No one WANTS that.  Slow processing feels slightly akin to torture.  Emotionally you are regurgitating your grief hour by hour.  Mentally you are running out of stamina for the journey.  You are worn down physically as well.  Spiritually you are out of fresh perspectives that make reliving the pain worth it.  

All you have is a pile of ashes and not one iota of an idea of what to do with this mess.  Everything, inside and out, just sits there like dammed up water.  Both held in place slowly leaking out (often at random and inconvenient times).

No one wants this, but this is the journey of sorrow.  This is the suffering, pain, grief, hurts that we humans all carry.  Sometimes acute, other times cold, typically calloused over until they are numb.  We all carry pain and we all walk through times of deep sorrow.  

I believe that it is important on this journey to remember that I, you, and y'all are not alone.

You may FEEL alone.  You may LOOK alone.  You may even THINK you're alone.  But you aren't.  This is what I tell myself often: "you are not the first person in history to experience this pain"  Doesn't really help my heart, but it does put my struggles into a better perspective.  I am not alone in this world, and also that I am never alone in Christ.

HE IS WITH ME.  Every step of this season of recovery is marked with His footsteps and mine.  With every step I take, God is beside, behind, in front of, beneath, and above me.  He constantly surrounds me with His mercy and grace.  And those are things I need desperately while in recovery mode.