01 October 2014

Wrestling With A Dream

I find myself stuck.  One foot in a dream and another in my reality.  I am balanced in the middle and cannot seem to move forward or backward.

Behind me is the dream I have owned since childhood.  The picturesque life I believed I would have.  The job, family, house, and lifestyle that is serene, vivid, and joyful.  This dream was sculpted over time by media, observing other's lives, and my wild imagination.  It has been chiseled for so long that it is set like concrete in my head.  It's a beautiful work.

But, the problem is that it won't budge.  It's engraved.

Ahead of me is reality.  My life has fragments from my dream, but it is not the life I thought I'd be living.  The location isn't right.  My family wasn't drawn according to plan.  My identity has been shifted and skewed in ways I didn't expect.  Reality isn't nearly as lovely nor is it as easy as I prepared for it to be.

Most importantly.... reality doesn't match my dream.

This is a problem.  I try to let go of this childhood dream and try to embrace the truth of today, but it doesn't seem to work.  Instead I find my heart collects discontentment, disappointment, and distrust.  I am not sure how to release a dream well.  I do not know how to forgo expectations and in it's place hold hope.  I have yet to be able to be flexible, keeping the future in an open hand.  It just doesn't click for me.

Others can do it.  I know it's possible.  I read about it in their books.   They inspire me to try it again.  So I do my best to release this backwards dream.  But it's not too much further down the road that I find I'm back where I started clenching what's behind and begrudging the look of what's ahead.

One day I hope to find myself, with joy gazing onward toward tomorrow, with both feet planted happily in my reality of life.  One day I hope to be able to, with honest understanding of what is best for me and trust in God's plan, walk away from these childish backwards dreams of what life ought to be like.  One day I would like to walk in freedom, no longer shackled in between the "should be" and the "is".

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